Congress to Investigate World Cup Rules

After a thrilling but ultimately unfulfilling showing at the World Cup for the United States, Congress has decided to investigate the possibility of eliminating the first 10 minutes of every soccer game. The first five minutes of extra time would also be eliminated. In all but one game, the Americans gave up a goal shortly after the opening whistle. In the exception against Algeria, only the crossbar saved the Americans from yet another embarrassing start.

Several options have been thrown out: the first 10 minutes would still be played but only as a warm up and goals scored during the introductory period would not count or goals scored during this period would only could as 0.5 points. Goals scored during the first five minutes of overtime would not count at all because of the significance of those goals.

“If either of these options would have been in place for this competition, the tournament would have been very different,” said Representative Neil Abercrombie, a Democrat from Hawaii. Abercrombie also led the push for Congress to invested college football’s Bowl Championship Series.

Most American coaches and players seemed more surprised at the show of support than appreciative.

“I’m shocked that Congress even knows there’s a tournament going on. I figured they’d be too busy working on a playoff system for college football,” said American Tim Howard. “I was surprised [former President] Clinton even showed up, even if he was promised a seat next to Mick Jagger for the Ghana game.”

“The support is nice, but horribly misguided,” bemoaned American coach Bob Bradley. “Americans are used to having everything done their way, but soccer is the world’s game.”

For the second time during the Cup, FIFA President Sepp Blatter issued a warning that FIFA would be monitoring a country for government interference. According to FIFA rules, the national soccer federations are “to manage their affairs independently and ensure that their own affairs are not influenced by any third parties.”

Abercrombie appeared undeterred upon hearing the FIFA rules and potential sanctions Americans could face.

“Who elected these FIFA people? Who are they to decide who competes for the championship?” he said. “"It's money. That's what this is all about. Small soccer countries like the United States don’t bring in the same television markets that England and even Ghana brings because we just can’t compete with their soccer fanaticism. When Ghana advances on early goals, an entire continent still watches.”
Representative Lynn Westmoreland, a Republican from Georgia who also sponsored an investigation of the BCS, also argued against FIFA’s control.

"We shouldn't have to argue about who the champion is. That should be decided on the field,” said Westmoreland. “Now we have to look back at this World Cup and wonder who was the best team. If those first 10 minutes hadn’t happened, the U.S. could have won the whole thing.”

President Barak Obama defended the Congressional inquiry and the potential unilateral action that could result.

“This is not a preemptive strike. This is not based on speculation or rumors. We have hard evidence that the first 10 minutes of the game clearly continue to pose a threat to our goal’s security. I am sure I will be able to unite the red states and the blue states to give bipartisan support for protecting our nation’s interests. We cannot allow American independence to be jeopardized by a meddling international governing body.”

Obama is expected to address the nation from the oval office on Tuesday at 3:00 a.m. The speech will be given at 8:00 p.m. on Monday but the networks would only offer a 3:00 a.m. showing due to lack of public interest.

Update: the crossbar that stopped the Algerians from scoring has since been nominated for a purple heart for the dent it suffered in keeping American hopes alive during the early minutes of the U.S.-Algeria conflict.